A Million Reasons...

So I left you all with a rather "glass half empty" post last week...but ya know I did say I would have a beer in your honor so maybe that literally indicates "glass more-than-half full"? Just sayin'. But I worried my mom and my fiance with my mood--not my intentions at all. I just need this neutral text box in which to type my struggles as a new professional and experience the ups and downs without an audience. And know that I talk to colleagues with wonderful and therapeutic insight- whether they are fellow music therapists, recreational therapists, or hospital chaplains...I am surrounded by professionals with care and wisdom.

Anyway...

I promised myself that I would start to practice my self-care more mindfully, with one goal of learning and singing songs for myself as opposed to only learning songs for my patients/clients. That's a huge deal. Because I don't have much motivation to make music when I get home after a full day of music-making and empathizing. But alas, I did it this Memorial Day weekend. And I really didn't think about the impact the song and its message would have on my current life transition (into adulthood, which is WAY overrated).

I have been pouring myself into Lady Gaga's new album because honestly she's queen of everything and I want to be her best friend. But here are some of my favorite lyrics from her song.

Million Reasons

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare
It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware
'Cause you've given me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Giving me a million reasons
About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean
It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe
'Cause you've given me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin' me a million reasons
About a million reasons

I bow down to pray
I try to make the worse seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all his worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay

I became fixated on this song because of the gorgeous melody. I didn't think of the lyrics until later when I was feeling actual stress lift from my shoulders (because music has that power over me) that I realized some of these words are really where I'm at right now. I feel stuck in a cycle with my self-doubt lately, and almost like I'm watching myself struggle when I know I should be thriving....like I've stopped breathing but am completely aware. On top of all that, I have been searching for answers to make the worse seem better. Music is my answer. Music is my understanding, my healing, my being. 

Isn't it strange how a music therapist can fall in love with a song but take for granted its lyrics just *dying* to be analyzed?! I immediately thought, Wow, I can't wait to rewrite this and share it with patients. But I stepped back for a moment and thought...Maybe this is my song for just a while. So I'm going to hold this song close and enjoy it for the therapeutic purposes it has lent me. And when I start to find my wings again, then I will share it with my patients.