The Upswing of Burnout...

I have been employed at my music therapy job since this past January...coming up on five months. I love my job, the clients and patients, and my colleagues. I am challenged each day, inspired by these beautiful people that fight the stigma of mental health, and in awe of patients that become medical miracles while coming back to life in the ICU. So why is that I am already feeling the dreaded word in the community of those in the "helping profession"? Yeah...that word that I really don't want to admit sounds just like my difficulties peeling myself out of bed these past few weeks...

BURNOUT.

I don't even want to say it out loud because I just graduated school two weeks ago and am lucky to be in my position and yet *I just want to go on vacation already*. It is so ironic that my fuel tank is on "empty" lately...as I spend my days educating patients on how to use healthy coping skills in everyday life to fight the very feelings I am experiencing. You see...at the start of my graduate school career I began to struggle with my anxiety and depression more than I am really willing to go into detail in this blog. It is not just sometimes hard for me to find my motivation to be a functioning adult...it is always hard for me. I get to my job and I thrive and I excel...but I get home and I am in desperate need of replenishment. And thus this terrible cycle of a *hangry* (definition: hungry + angry = hangry) and emotionally depleted adult woman arrives home feeling as if I have no love left to give to my amazing fiance. Because I gave all my love and energy to these patients that need someone to advocate for them.

Just look at how cute he is...

This recognition of my exhaustion came from an eye-opening training I attended at my work last week by a fabulous colleague, Andrea Dalton: 

Compassion Without Fatigue: Mindfulness, Boundaries, and the Practice of Empathy

I sat there as the various stages of compassion fatigue were identified....and took a big *gulp* as I understood that I was the definition of burnt-the hell-out. As my anxiety began to rear it's ugly head in self-loathing, I realized UM HELL YES I'M BURNT OUT. I just spent three years in an accelerated (LOL) Master program while also working two jobs and maintaining a relationship and doing my *sort of best* at paying bills on time. I was reassured that my fatigue has less to do with my job...and more to do with my job + school + adulting (ugh...adulting...). 

But now...I'm graduated...I have no more homework, endless papers, participation requirements, group projects, required textbook reading--it's done. So maybe with this recognition of my fatigue and burnout I will be able to slowly put myself back together as a functioning human being that does not snooze her alarm 3 times each morning, will find her way back to exercising, and will start learning songs that I want to sing instead of only songs my patients want me to sing. 

Here's to self-awareness while navigating myself through the twists and turns of being a new professional in a *hopefully* growing position. Take care of yourself, friends. Tonight I'm going to sing onstage with my band and let loose. I will have a beer in honor of all of us that are fatigued. 

Cheers.