Waiting for the Unknown...

Lately I've been getting this question a lot following my graduation:

Well, what are you doing now?

And it's not a loaded question....but more of a loaded answer. If I were being honest, I would say, "I'm working at a hospital with psych/palliative/ICU patients...at a community outreach center with homeless/mentally ill...an outpatient substance abuse recovery center for adults with dual diagnosis...and long term care with older adults."

(That's a lot.)

It's a lot easier for me to respond, "Well I'm working at several locations doing both music and recreational therapy." 

And that's what I say. And then comes the follow-up question that really gets my anxiety pumping:

Are you full-time with benefits?

*Sigh* 

The loaded answer is, "Yes...and no..." But really the honest answer is, "No."

You see, I've been working nearly 40 hours each week. But I'm unable to receive benefits because I fall into a beautifully sad loop-hole. Don't bother to make a suggestion on how I can get out of said loop-hole...because I'm pretty sure I've exhausted my options.

What I can tell you is this: I really love my job at the hospital. I really want to be there full-time. I really wish the facility would fund a position for me. But so far I have struck out with two of my options. Money controls so much in this world. My dream and my ideas seemed to be so plausible when I first accepted my crazy all-over-the-place-traveling-music-therapist position. I thought, "This will turn into exactly what I want as long as I give my whole self and prove to everyone how important music therapy is to this urban inner-city hospital population."

And that's exactly what I've done. I've given my whole self. I have purchased my own keyboard...CD's...guitar...guitar strings...banners. You name it. I have done what I can to promote myself and my position. And right now, after facing rejection from the higher-ups at the facility, I feel disappointed. I feel like I have given my whole self...and been repaid with a quick "no" and lack of understanding for everything I have done. I am torn between looking elsewhere for a job that will pay me what I deserve with benefits...and staying where I am and fighting for my dream job. 

I don't know what to do.

I know the patients need me. They need music therapy. What I do and practice is important. I know these things; But the people with the money don't. I'm getting more tired advocating for myself when I feel as if I'm getting nowhere.

This is a letter from a hospital patient's family.

I don't know what to do. I don't know anymore. Do I follow my dream and continue to be shot down...with the hope of someone saying 'yes'? Or do I pursue a new dream elsewhere? I just don't know.